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| arguing has become who we are. counting down the days until i can leave has become my daily routine. wanting someone to lean on through all of this has become my existence. my daily prayer is that the lord will give me the strength i need - the strength i need to stop pretending when everything is not okay, and the strength i need to make things finally okay so that i don't have to pretend any more. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." | | |
| you know the saying "god works in mysterious ways"? sometimes, i wish he wouldn't be so mysterious. i've been trying so hard to find the underlying good in an obviously bad situation, but honestly, i'm lost. no, i'm not saying i've lost faith. faith would be the absolutely worst thing to lose in a time in my life such as this. so while i am not faithless, i guess i am just finding it harder than ever to let my guard down. more than anything i want someone who is willing to look at life through my perspective, without giving criticism in return. but people have taught me, time and time again, that the only perfect person who ever walked on earth is jesus. does that mean that the love and acceptance i am so desperately seeking is in jesus? i don't know. i guess that's what it means. and i am honestly trying, right now more than ever, to be satisfied with the love he gives me, because deep down i know it is more than enough. perhaps the wall i built around myself is too high. maybe it's true, i'm blind and ignorant to the people surrounding me. maybe they've tried and i shut them down. i hope i've never done that. i don't know, maybe i just have too high of expectactions for people. i would like to think that i'm not the kind of person who would walk away when i see someone hurting. i would like to think that i'd be the person who sends anonymous cards in the mail and the person who calls just to say hi. but that's what i'd like to think. in a perfect world, it would be true. anyhow, it all comes back to the same questions: where's the good in this situation, hannah? what is god trying to show you? is there a lesson to be learned? my mind is boggled with the possible answers. i'm pretty sure god wasn't trying to teach me not to trust. i'm almost positive he would want me to have someone to talk through this with. maybe he just wants me to lean more on jesus, rather than the people of this world. because in the end, the people of this world are heartbreakers. they will not always be there when times are hard and they will, at times, be blind to their flaws. the bible says in proverbs 3:5 "trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." maybe the truth is, while i just want someone to understand the pain i've been through and will continue to go through, god wants me just as much to simply trust in him. so i know that god works in mysterious ways. and while i sit here pondering how something good could possibly come of my current situation, i smile to myself knowing that he has something fabulous in store for me. | | |
| so much has changed in the past year, yet so much is still the same. i'm the same over-sensitive, cautious girl. i'm still shy and i still would rather watch a movie than go to a party with a bunch of people. the same friends still mean a lot to me and i still think and worry about the same things. i have the same goals and ambitions for the future and i still love the same god. despite all of this, i have changed in undeniable ways. i have learned that it's okay to move on. it's okay to grow up and it's okay if friends change. it's okay to be wrong and it's okay to admit it when i am. so, the past and the present "me" are constantly intertwining to form the person i will become, and quite honestly, i can't wait to see who she is. | | |
| my brother threw my phone in em's pool today.
i know it's just a phone, but still, i'm sad.
i've had a lot of meaningful conversations with people i love on that phone.
i've sent and recieved pointless text messages on that phone.
i've taken memorable photos with memorable people on that phone.
basically, i'm going to miss that phone.
anyway. first official day off school.
first official day of no longer being a sophomore.
first official day i can call myself an "upperclassman."
today has pretty much sucked.
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| i'm taking a break from this i think .
myspace is more productive  sorry. | | |
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